These are ALL me. All these woman are worthy of my love. I have a story and I can’t wait to share it with you.
I always felt like a fat girl and knew I LOVED food. Probably too much. For a girl who moved around a lot, found herself tall and awkward, and longed to make friends, food became a willing tool of escape. I thought about food constantly: when I was going to eat it, how I could eat more of it, and why it never fully left me satisfied.
My weight began to reflect my eating habits when I was a junior in high school. I had just finished my first summer at McDonald’s and decided I would not play basketball another season. That year, and every year through the end of high school, I packed on 10-12 pounds, only to discover I was 70 pounds overweight by the time I graduated high school. I now know I was managing polycystic ovary syndrome, but I still had some habits that needed to change.
I knew I desperately wanted to lose weight, but really had no idea where to begin. In the summer before my freshman year of college, the diet season officially began. I tried so many different diets. All of them allowed me to lose some weight, but left me with the same problem: I would have to follow the diet for the rest of my life in order to keep off the weight. And because of that, I eventually could not sustain the diet and I always regained the weight. Such a devastating cycle.
During this time, I was also building my personal knowledge of the Christian faith. I began to pray to God for some deliverance from this demon (that’s what it felt like) called food. I felt so out of control! It really felt hopeless and at time I resigned myself to just accepting that I would always be enslaved and consumed by my weight.
God began to slowly speak to my heart about the concept of “eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full.” While it sounded admirable, I also felt as if were impossible and unrealistic. I continued my dieting attempts. However, through all my diets and attempts to lose weight, I could feel the Spirit of God churning within me and patiently waiting for me to become obedient. It was definitely a frustrating season.
With all of my fears, I still decided I needed to do this. I needed to trust God and take a chance. So, at first, I didn’t change what I was eating, but rather how much and when I would eat. I realized I ate for every reason but hunger. The weight loss started slow, but it was coming. It was coming! Without stress and worry, the weight would come off. I would miss a workout, go out to eat, eat dessert after 9pm (oh no she didn’t!), and as long as I was eating what my body called for, I lost weight. More important than the weight loss, was the gift of understanding what a relationship with Christ can really look like. He really loves me. He hears me. And throughout all my struggle with weight, the Lord had a plan to bring me out of this pit.
Since I lost my original weight in 2006, I have had seasons of victory and of course, disobedience. Every time I decided to go back to my old, gluttonous ways, I gained some weight. I have had babies. I have been sick. I have gained back more weight than I originally started with on the journey. I also, however, have learned how to eat. I have learned how to practice my health behaviors. I have experienced freedom.
I will be documenting my continued journey on this blog to maintain a healthy relationship with food and my weight. I will also provide tools, support, and strategies for those who are desiring to begin the journey of losing weight. Join me as I continue to love God more and love food less.