I am down 11 pounds – well, I was before the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I am still counting it though🙂. You all just do not know how excited I was to the scale move down a few weeks ago. This journey can be so long, and I have many moments when I wonder if what I do matters.
When I saw that I had finally lost 11 pounds, I felt happy – for a moment. Then, I started to feel something else – pride. “I’ve got this,” I smiled inwardly. That pride worked its way into my choices in the next week; I was a bit more willing to say yes instead of no. To dessert. To getting another helping. To the behaviors that kept me overweight. It was almost like the fire under my drive to lose weight was gone.
The next week, I went to get on the scale. Up 4 pounds. “Are you KIDDING me??!!!!.” I could not believe it. You know my first thought – “whelp, Thanksgiving is ruined.” And why did I say that? Because I knew. All the latitude that I would take if the scale had gone down (and trust, my behaviors probably would have been even worse than the week before), was gone. I was going to have to be “on my game.” I was going to think a little more before taking an extra helping of macaroni and cheese. (sigh). I felt so disappointed. And then, all the negative, discouraging thoughts came too. “Am I ever going to lose this weight?” (sigh).
But even though I was feeling bad, guess who did not miss one gym visit this week? Yup, me. Guess who made sure to push away her plate when she knew she was full? Yup, me. Guess who practiced her health behaviors that ensured that she is one step closer to living free. ME.
I heard something in church today that made me reflect, “There is a difference between being free and living free.” My, how that applies to my food journey. And, God wants me to LIVE free, more than he wants me to fit into my old jeans. “Why, GOD?🙂.
This scale thing is tricky. I have to admit — as painful as it is to get on the scale and see the numbers remain the same or go up (gasp!), my health behaviors are typically far better in the following days. I am more cognizant, I don’t miss any gym visits, and I am fighting for my freedom. Now please understand – I am not hoping that the scale will go up. However, I can see how God uses that disappointment to shape me, and help me push toward the best health behaviors. I think I win more (e.g. practice the most health behaviors) when the scale reports a number that disappoints me. I live freer when I get a read I don’t like.
So, here is the goal: Live free (e.g., practice those health behaviors) no matter WHAT the scale says. I am pushing toward that goal, though sometimes it feels like I am on my hands and knees, and barely crawling. I still don’t see it like that, but I am trying. More than that, God is fighting. And he NEVER loses. Let’s keep walking.
Prayers for you friends.