I haven’t been on here for some time now. I honestly feel I didn’t have that much to say. I’ve been in a season where everything that once made sense, including my weight, has been turned upside down. There was a period when the events of my life appeared linear; If I did X, then I could count on Y to happen. These past years have been NOTHING like that.
Well, for the last year, the number on the scale has not changed positively. It just keeps going up. I have gained so much weight. I am so embarrassed. I don’t want to discuss anything weight-related or get anywhere close to the topic of health for fear of judgment. “What could I have to say”, my inner voice mocks; “you obviously don’t have anything you need together.” I feel scared on many days that I will never get out of this hole. Nothing I do matters. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I know why (though it is hard to believe it, and I have incredible peace). God has been faithful, and kind, and loving to me, blessing me in every way possible, except in the area that I most want him to.
Despite being annoyed by the previous paragraph, I must acknowledge this victory. I have been healthier than I have EVER been. Collectively, I have done more working out, paid more attention to my eating – without it being attached to the number on the scale. This IS A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT. Before everything was attached to the number on the scale – if I needed to lose weight, I ate healthier, and the reverse was also true – If I was at a good weight, my diet started slipping. It was always about the number on the scale. I also have been strengthening my back. Haven’t needed the chiropractor, and have been able to wear heels with no problem.
These last few years have been some of the hardest in my life. Part of me is annoyed with them, while the other part knows how beneficial they have become. I find myself longing for the life that I used to have, despite knowing that it wasn’t all that great.
Of recent, I have realized that none of the above is any reason for me not to still write. I have lots of lessons I have learned, and still know God has called me to minister in this area; I can’t quit now. So, I am going to write, and trust God with the rest. While much is still not clear, I know that God is faithful.