I’ve been expecting God to move in an area of my life for over 1 year now. As I write that, I realize that length of time is extremely short. Extremely. But when you are waiting – one day over what you wanted seems like an eternity. As the months have progressed and I don’t have “the” answer, I find it easier to become angry and upset that God hasn’t answered my prayer. He’s not moving fast enough. Does he even care?
Just today I was reminded that the answer to my prayer is not the most important part of this story. I want it to be – I have visions of the joy I will experience when I get to tell this story of how God made it happen; how he caused a miracle; how he parted my proverbial “red sea.” But, for some reason, things just don’t end up working out like I had planned. The story just isn’t over yet . . .
Along the way, God has done his share of miracles. He’s met needs, provided endurance, given me hope to continue to press in further. There have been several times that I just knew this was it – He had to answer this exact way at this exact time. But no. God does not do boxes, and he always seems to show me that my human end is just that – human. He is not defined by where I think I need to put my periods. He is constantly putting an eraser to my ends, and using his red ink to insert commas, and clauses I never knew would exist. Oh God. But I still don’t have exactly what I have been praying for. And it’s oh so frustrating and painful at times!
I had a moment of clarity yesterday (they are often short-lived), and God reminded me of the following: “But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold” (Job 23:15). I was humbled in that moment. What my anger often expresses is my belief that God does not know where He is going. I imagine we are in a car, and we pass “my” exit. Constantly. I often look over in frustration and exasperation. But no – he reminds me – “I know the way Rachel. Sit back. Steady your heart. I won’t get us lost. I can get you where I want to take you”. I silently fume. Grrr. But I know he’s right.
So I wait. And sit back (at least try to) while we travel. And if I’m honest – I’ve seen that this way has some unexpected sights of beauty that I didn’t realize would be present. Some things that I know I shouldn’t have missed. Even if I wouldn’t have initially chosen this exact path. Oh God.
He providing the “thing” isn’t really what this is about. I always think it is, but recently, I’ve seen that “the yes” just is not the true point of this story. God is creating, revitalizing, and raising a person from a life that was initially headed nowhere great. As he constantly molds me, and roughs out this edge and that edge, I see something beautiful forming – while on the journey.
I do think I’ll get there. To my answered prayer. But I also imagine that “my end” won’t be God’s finest hour. No, instead, it will be the moment he finishes that final touch, right before he wakes me up, and says, “Daughter – we’re here.” God – please help me to wait well.